In the recent past, I have written a few short biographies for Twitter, Facebook, Amazon. Without exception they are short and boring, and tell the world very little about me. As I now have my own website, I thought I would expand on the few short details I have previously given. This is therefore my abbreviated life story.
I was born in Durham City in England in 1959. That makes me very old. Spent all my life from childhood to college years in the market town of Chester-le-Street in County Durham, living with my Mam and Dad and younger sister Judith in a nice semi-detached close to the railway station. My Mam and Dad still live there. I always thought we were middle class, but on reflection we were a bit below that. My dad ran his own road haulage business, my mam stayed at home.
I don’t think I lacked for much in my childhood. I always did well at school. I believe I was in the first year that did not have to do the 11+ exams, and, as I was on the top table in Mr. Grey’s class, made it comfortably to the Grammar School next door. My memory may be playing tricks, but I was good at football in the junior school. Always scoring goals in the playground. Cannot remember fancying any girls in primary, which is probably forgivable. I do recall I was good at writing essays. I would speed-write, no doubt complete nonsense, and I was always up against Russell Kirkup who could write quickly too. We had our own internal fan clubs, and each would hand signal to the other group how many pages we had written, as we scribbled feverishly.
The Deanary Grammar School was a bit of a shock. I was in class 1B, purely because I was a crap swimmer. How pathetic is that? I could have been damaged for life due to the inability to swim 25 yards (a certificate that I eventually received, to my great satisfaction. I should have had my 50 yards too, but they said I had my foot on the floor when I turned. I never did, and even if I did, so what? I still swam the bloody thing).
Luckily, I did well enough to make class 2A and Mrs. Oldfield. I was in love with her probably, she was always nice to me, but she ran a tight ship. Started Latin with Mr. Wood. A very tall man, he became a big influence. Enjoyed his classes, and in retrospect I think I have metamorphosed into him. One Saturday morning, I found him talking to my mother in our garden. I was dumbstruck with horror when I found out he was buying the house next door. For some reason though, he liked me, perhaps he saw a fellow kindred spirit. I went to see him in Brussels years later, and stayed for a while with him and his great wife Pauline.
I was always best at the art subjects. Physics was in general a complete mystery to me. I enjoyed biology and Chemistry, but was not that good at them. There was never any danger I would take them past “O” Level. I enjoyed French, but was unfortunate enough to learn under the most fearsome teacher I ever had (save for the woodwork psychotic), Ma Murphy, or later known as Ma Coates. I was one of the best students but still shook with terror in her class. She didn’t, to my recollection, hit anyone, but her tongue was icy and sharp, and her mood-swings were something to behold. I did French to “A” level, which should have been an easy choice, but wasn’t, due to Ma Coates. Eventually I had to take it, as I couldn’t do much else. Bless her, I think she had a good heart.
By the 5th form, I was coming up to puberty. Mr. Wood took a load of us to Rome (I assume something loosely connected to his Latin class, well done, Peter!). I received my first sexual kisses on that trip (and tasted beer for the first time too). That would have been June 1975, and I would have turned 16 a month later. The temptress was Vivien Cockerill, but I fancied her mate Susan Cronin more. Disturbingly to recollect, they would have been 14 and 13 years old respectively. But, as I say, I was still 15, so back off Crown Prosecutor.
My “O” level results were quite good, got 9, and I took ‘A” levels in French, History and English. French I have spoken about, but in passing now realize that Ma Coates never took us on any outings to France. Why? I was only average really at French, which became obvious when I only received a bare pass of E at the exams. Sorry, Ma Coates, it was your fault.
We had a super sexy History teacher in Mrs Langworth. Looking back on it, she can’t have been older than 30. But her classes were forever coloured by the fact that I always sat behind Anne Clarkson, and her bra was constantly showing through her crisp white shirt. I had a thing for Anne, but she quite clearly had none for me. In later years, I wrote a song about her and nearly 40 years later played it live in concert with my Samui band, The Flowers of Samui, namely “I Never Snogged With Anne”. Which was completely true, I got nowhere near.
After Rome, I got together at school with another 14 year old, Carole. We snogged a bit, but I think I was too immature for her. She eventually married my best pal Malcolm, and they remain my best friends.
I met a girl in the lower sixth called Susan. She was introduced to the class as a new arrival from Leicester. I started going out with her in the upper sixth. 41 years later, we still live together, 34 years married. Out of respect to our marriage and having special regard to my genitals, I will mention her no more.
My last “A” level subject, as said, was English. But despite liking writing, I was not one of Mr. Sampson’s best pupils. I was not a literature loony. I couldn’t even be bothered to read the set texts, although I think I finished the Evelyn Waugh one. I bought the key cards, as did most people, and learnt that way. Looking back, I ‘m trying to recall why I was like that. I think because I thought I had no time to read. When of course I did. Because I wasn’t that well read, I didn’t enjoy Mr. Sampson’s free-flowing, ideas classes, although looking back, I think he was ahead of his time.
It is fair to say that I, together with my pals, were regarded as eccentric, if not retarded. John, Peter and I used to delve in the kitchen bins and fill each other’s haversacks full of slops, and then place the bag on the classroom roof. It seemed funny at the time, but was not the sort of behavior which attracted the girls, I can see that now. We were christened the “loops”.
I have not yet mentioned my biggest passion in those teenage years, which has not diminished much over the years. Sunderland Association Football Club (“SAFC”). My family were all Sunderland supporters, and my Dad took me first to the ground at aged 8, and I was instantly hooked. I should never forgive him for that, as Newcastle United football club is equal distance away, and have been far more successful over the years. I have had 50 years of mostly hurt with SAFC. But in my teen years, there was little else in my life (apart from leching at Anne Clarkson). We were always in the second division during my formative years, but amazingly – and I mean amazingly – won the prestigious FA Cup in 1973 as a second division team, beating the mighty Leeds United in the final. Jesus Christ appearing on the Morecambe and Wise Show would not have been a bigger surprise. And I was only 13…too young to drink, too young to go to the matches myself. But old enough to appreciate the event, the history, the significance. I went to two of the matches en route to the final with my Dad. The whole area went mad. SAFC have won nothing of any note since. One of the most important events in my life.
I was off to University, as an immature young man (loop). Started off at Keele University, doing International Relations. I don’t know why. I had no idea what course to do, and that sounded cool. It wasn’t. Lots of economics and boring stuff. Keele was a place where art students had to do a science subsidiary (a lunatic idea). I chose Astronomy. Problem was it was on a Saturday morning, so I never made any of the classes. I changed main course to French and History, and subsidiary to Chemistry (LOL). Safe choice I thought. Except literally everyone in my French class seemingly spoke fluent French. Thanks Ma Coates. History was of course very dull. They wouldn’t let me change again. I left after 2 terms. The only bright thing was a girl called Jenny, who I was infatuated with. I sat beside her at lunch most days. I was too shy and she got off with the DJ.
Screw academia, I thought. I got an office job in Chester-le-Street, but the office was full of old men. I moved to the Midland Bank in Middlesbrough. Not my cup of tea. I was clearly wasting my adult life before it had barely begun. I applied to Newcastle Polytechnic to do a law degree. Law was a sound bet, I thought. Got in, and started in September 1978.
Sue my future wife was at the same college and so things were easier. I did though find real friends hard to come by until the second year. Third year was a bit of a riot – hello Peter! – but I escaped with a 2(ii) degree, which was average. I was on the legal conveyor belt, and the obvious next thing to do was your Solicitors’ exams, or Barristers’ exams. I chose Solicitor’s exams, as I could do them in Newcastle. It is notoriously a very hard course, and I didn’t put in the necessary hours. But, amazingly, I somehow passed. The year was mostly spent in bars and at gigs. One summer I spent on the beaches in the south of France selling ice cream to topless European girls. Slept on the beach for a month. Saw UB40 in Toulon. They christened us the Beach Boys, as were so suntanned and dirty. Still my best ever holiday.
I found out I had passed the solicitors’ exams by finding my name amongst thousands in the Daily Telegraph in or about October 1982 in Mansfield, where I had obtained a job as an articled clerk (trainee solicitor). If I had not passed, I would have been sacked. I would then have had the option of forgetting about the law, or taking the exams again. I knew I would not have had the heart to take the exams again. Lots of my friends failed. I really couldn’t believe it. I knew though, the exams out of the way, that nothing could now stop me becoming a solicitor. My future was planned out. I couldn’t get off the conveyor belt now, I thought. I just had to see out my 2 years articles. They were spent in Mansfield (hello Kev and Julie) and South Shields. My first lawyer jobs were in Wakefield, Newcastle and Whitley Bay. I then spent a year in a small London practice. That was a great year, again fueled by alcohol. Met some Irish girls who became a big part of my life there, and my good mate Peter, to my great surprise, married one of them (hello Eleanor!).
An articled clerk in the London office showed me a solicitor’s job in Hong Kong advertised in the Telegraph (funny how that paper has governed my life, having bought one copy in 58 years). I applied and didn’t give it another thought. To my surprise, I had an interview in Oxford Street, talked about football for 20 minutes, and got the job. Sue and I left for Hong Kong in July 1988. Peter and Eleanor followed after a year or so.
I spent 16 years in Hong Kong and it was the best decision of my life. Hong Kong during that period was an amazing place. Full of British expats, as it was still a British colony until 1997. I left my first firm after 2 years and joined a mainly Chinese firm. They were good enough to make me a partner. After 5 years, a good friend, Rod, asked me to join him in partnership. After much agonizing, I did so. We had a blast. We had one big case, involving a temple in the New Territories, and land titles worth millions of dollars. We sued the Hong Kong Government, and won. The case went to the Final Court of Appeal, and took about 8 years to finalise. The case forms much of the backdrop to the Fanling Conspiracy, which I finished in 2002. Many of the characters are based upon real people, with names changed (and a bit of artistic license). Nury Vittachi, a well-known HK author/journalist, introduced me to a publisher, who said he would pay 50% of the publishing costs. I turned him down, which I will always regret. With the help of my pal John, we self-printed and I gave copies away to my friends/family.
To my mind, Hong Kong was never the same after the handover to China in 1997, although the changes took a few years to percolate through. Throughout my 16 years there, I enjoyed the work experience, started/played for/managed a football team (Athletico de Wanchai), which became famous (and still is) in HK and Asian circles. It transpired though that my most of my time in my middle years were taken up by the rock group that Iain and I formed – The P.N.S. (say it quickly, juvenile I know). The band members started off as being mostly lawyers, but then expanded to cover others – so, hi to MC God X, The Kaiser, Prince Fingers, Sir Miles Remington IV, and The Bergermeister. That was the classic line-up. We did loads of gigs, radio and TV. We took a political angle, it being the run-up to 1997, and we made a few waves. That was really the re-awakening of my literary life. I wrote all the song lyrics. We did a CD. All original music. Later on, after Iain left and Dave joined, we did a few covers, but it wasn’t the same. Iain and I did some great videos, now on YouTube.
But by 2004, I was restless, and whilst on holiday in Koh Samui, Thailand, was offered a job in a law office. I wanted to go. I had great difficulty persuading Rod and my friends that I should do it, but eventually made the move in November 2004. Even Sue didn’t think I would stick it out, she didn’t come down for 2 more years.
After a year, I started my own law firm – Crawshaws – named after my mother’s maiden name, and flourished. I started another band The Flowers of Samui (after my second HK band The Flowers of Babylon, hi Chris!). Again we did a mix of covers and originals, although Samui audiences expected covers. I thought we were great, others (including members of the band) less so. There are numerous videos of us thrashing about on YouTube. I sang most of the songs (to varying reactions) and played guitar (but not as well as Joe).
I got the writing bug again after 13 years or so, and started writing The Samui Conspiracy. I thought it a good idea to keep the main character (essentially, me) based again around Ben’s law firm. This book is much more fictional than the first one! Together with a re-launched Fanling Conspiracy with new cover, it is for sale on Amazon.
That is where I am now. Although I have enjoyed my time in this tropical paradise, and love my Thai office staff, it can occasionally be boring, and I have decided to leave. At the time of writing this, I am halfway through writing book 3 (tentatively entitled The Muay Thai Conspiracy) and am on the point of leaving Thailand, having passed ownership of the law firm over to my partner Jamie. Destination Normandy in France, where I hope to have a happy retirement writing/playing music, and writing novels. Whether that is financially possible remains to be seen!
Michael Peart
Koh Samui
May 2018.